Living Together Before Marriage
Is it okay?
Now you might be asking, is this right? Well, in many cases, particularly from a traditional standpoint, it is very much something that isn't necessary and shouldn't be done. The reason is that if you want to pursue someone, you get to know them over a couple of months. You don’t need to live with them to figure out if they're the one. Other than that, all you really need is to develop your core values and what you would like to see in a future spouse. Then, look at yourself and ask if your actions are aligning with that, because you don't want to say you have these none negotiable, and never align your actions with your words.
For example, let's say you're a Christian, and you want a spouse that truly honors God above anything else. Shouldn't you check yourself to see if you're becoming that person? Many people say they want a man or woman of faith, but fail to look at themselves to see if they're truly honoring their own values. Most of all, if you are a man or woman of God, your goal should always be to put him first, because to have a strong foundation, you need to put God above anything else. Also, it's important to remember that when you are whole through God as an individual, you will be an extremely unshakable spouse. Why? Because by that point you don't view each other as saviors, or as people to make you feel complete, because the truth is a good spouse can never do that. The whole point of a marriage is to walk side by side together, not sitting their fantasysing about how perfect you think that person is, because at the end of the day they are just as imperfect as you.
Anyways, instead of thinking you need to live with someone to get to know them, maybe consider praying with them and going to church together. That is a wonderful way to get to know each other and your shared values. But just because they’re Christian doesn’t mean they’re the one necessarily. At least you aren't wasting your time just seeing where it goes; that's what matters most. It also helps to reflect with each other about the Bible and how you want God to be a part of your future children. Keep in mind also that figuring out if they're the right person shouldn't take too long if you know what you want.
One of the big reasons a lot of people drag dating for so long is because they really don’t know where they want their life to go. They may not even know if they want to get married or not. That's not bad, but then you should be asking yourself, "Should I be dating then?" Probably not, because if the intent is to marry, it's better to just stay away from that as you work on yourself and your relationship with God. Plus, it's not a bad thing if you need time to figure out what your plans are. You don’t need to have everything figured out right away, but it's a whole lot better to go into intentional dating when you have some direction in life. Another thing to remember is that if you can figure out if a person is the right one, why on earth do you need to live with that person? Well, we have seen that many of us today seem to focus more on the physical side of relationships, and worry that we won't be sexually compatible. The truth is, that's something you should really save for the marriage bed.
As crazy as the idea sounds, many people are picky about sex today because many of us treat it so casually. And what happens when you've done it with more than one person? You begin to compare, and once that happens, you develop preferences for what you think you might like. This is a problem among so many of us, but no one should be getting to know many others in that way. The reason is that, once it gets to that point, you begin to believe that a romantic relationship will only ever work as long as the sex stays satisfying. Trust me, you can't build a Godly relationship on the condition of sex; that's simply unrealistic, but as much as it's important, sex should not be the number one priority for keeping the marriage strong.
The biggest thing should really be: are they someone who shares their love for God the way you do? Are they on the same page for most things? And by the time you've built up this understanding with each other, there is a lot more trust that can be built, which could eventually lead to a marriage. But for it to get to this point, you have to be transparent from the very beginning, because otherwise you're building something on sand, rather than something strong, like a rock. It's understandable that most of us, at times, might have interest in someone and want the person to like us, but a lot of times that may come with compromises later down the road, and eventually destroy the relationship due to not setting the non-negotiables early.
You might also only ever go on one date with that person if your up front. For example, you might sit at the table with them and begin talking and asking questions about each other's values and goals and life, and find that they are not in alignment with yours. If it ever gets to that point, it doesn't matter if they're good-looking and attractive; if you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with that person, there is no point in continuing to date that person. Keep in mind not to judge a person based on how they act on a date. It's so easy to put on a performance to try to impress the person. If that's all you want to do is win the person like a prize, then you shouldn't be dating for marriage, because that would be a waste of time. At that point, it's probably better to stay single until you are ready to commit. Also, most of the time you might not even feel ready, and that's okay. At the end of the day, you're never going to feel ready until you put the work in.
